Monday, December 03, 2007

"Business! Mankind was my Business!"

Well, Wellsboro has survived another 'Dickens of a Christmas'.

For the uninitiated, 'Dickens of a Christmas', or simply 'Dickens' to the veterans, or 'F-ing Dickens' to the annoyed, is a yearly Christmas festival in Wellsboro. Crafters and local organizations line the streets selling handcrafted wares and food. Yes, line the streets. Outside.

The Irish claim that kilts were a joke the Scots never copped on to. I maintain that an outdoor craft festival that is six blocks long (both sides of the street) in DECEMBER in the NORTHERN TIER is a joke that the flatlanders/people from New York and New Jersey haven't got yet. They think its great. Ooo, look! Everyone is all dressed up in Victorian attire! Oooo, look! Town looks so pretty! Oooo, that's what stage one hypothermia looks like! Bless their hearts. Those of us who know better were in the Gaslight drinking something called a 'Gaslight coffee'. What was in it? Don't know, don't care, had two, felt better. We started out at a brisk 21 degrees at 6am and by 3:30pm we were looking at a balmy 24 so I needed some fortification.

The less-fun part of it all is that our town quadruples in population for about three days. This is all good for the economy and such, but there are a few things I wish we could let our guests know for everyone's peace and tranquility.

1. 'No turn on red' is not optional. This is because a herd of visitors is standing on the corner, in the crosswalk, and in the street trying to take a picture of the Wellsboro Diner. Don't hit them.

2. We don't have a Starbucks. We won't have a Starbucks. They have the coffee down to Bi-Lo in Aisle 3. Bring your coffee machine next time. You'll have to get a Venti Caramel Mac on your way through Williamsport. Get over it.

3. See that big brick building with all the red trucks in it? When the red trucks are pulling out with their lights and sirens on, it would probably be a good idea to stop. Cause, see, they are going to put out a fire or winch someone (perhaps someone very much like yourself) out of a ditch or sommat.

4. While we're on the subject of the brick building....see the parking lot in front of it? DON'T PARK THERE. EVER. FOR ANY REASON. Those signs at the head of EVERY SPACE say 'No parking...Firefighters Only'. When we put in the 'Parking for the lady from Owego who just had to have a bench painted like a snowman' Only lot, we'll let you know. Until then, we will park you in on purpose and watch your hissyfit from across the street, and our amusement shall be great.

So my big skirt and fancy hair doodads are put away for another year...I think I need to rework my costume to include more fur and bonnets. Like these folks.


Anonymous said...

You're one funny lady...that Gaslight Coffee had coffee, Frangelica and Bailey's.

Jonny's Mommy said...

Love it! Love it! Hilarious! And we were down because we missed all the craziness. Maybe we're not so sad after all. As for the Gaslight Coffee...I'm telling moooommmm! Just kidding! I love the idea of parking the lady in who parked in front of the fire hall. Hello! Parking for fire fighters only means what it says. Guess they don't teach them Owego folks how to read none ....

Beware: Social Worker on the edge said...

Love it...sounds great minus all the stupid

They should look into selling gaslight coffee at Tim Hortons here in would certainly brighten my work day.

Thanks for the laugh and I need one of those costumes too.


Shieldmaiden96 said...

Ahh, I have experienced something of the crack that is Tim Horton's coffee.. in RI and CT they were called Bess Eaton. I'd need a car seat for the mug I'd want if I could get that every day.