Friday, September 24, 2010

Moderate Excess, Volume Two

Dims: 8 1/2 " X 11 3/4" X 10 1/2"
Loaded Weight: 14 Pounds
Contents: Fabulous

When last we spoke, we talked of the lips. The toolkit of color and spectacle, the vast possibility of attitude contained therein. But this is it, the IT that took me many moons to find. Previous 'makeup bags' and later 'makeup cases' were puny, feeble, and failed copies of this ultimate in pulchritudinous conveyance. They came in colors that mirrored the Barbie Dream Van. Their compartments were too small and too few. I wanted something that looked like it should be handcuffed to the wrist of a burly, darkly handsome Mossad agent in a $3,000 suit. (It even locks, which would excite me if I was still 12 and not the very kid makeup needed to be locked away FROM. )

Let's tour the facility, shall we?

The first stop is correction. Anything you could possibly need to cover, from a sleepless night to a sketchy memory involving Jose Cuervo, a couple of ill chosen karaoke numbers, and a guy named Paul who would call you if you hadn't given him your chiropractor's number can be taken care of out of this section here. Oh, and yeah. I got the new Cover Girl and Olay stuff. Because I'm not 23 anymore. I noticed that the Bare Minerals was accumulating in lines on my face in ways that were less flawless airbrushed perfection and more Kate Spade hobo bag. I'm over it.
The Girly Squee award in that section goes to that tiny tube of Too Faced Shadow Insurance. You'll feel slightly violated paying what that costs but BELIEVE ME its worth it. No amount of poor choices in an evening will budge whatever you put on top of that stuff.

Next stop, color! Most of the shadows on the green backdrop are out of Ulta color collections. (Forget Disney, people. Ulta is my happy place. You can shop online, but find a store near you and GO THERE. Its like Tractor Supply for girls. ) The rest of the color is either Bare Minerals, Smashbox, or cheap and fabulous drugstore finds. Wet and Wild has come a long way since I picked it up at Eckerd's with a new can of Aqua Net. They have a lot more than those $1 foot long black eyeliners we used to melt with a lighter.
Speaking of which....this is the eyeliner collection. So we've got your standard pencils, then again with the W & W because their liquid liner is fantastic and doesn't have that pokey brush that, in a moment of inattention, show you what its like to be blinded by a Sharpie, a bit of pricey Smashbox gel action, and my one bit of throwback that you'd have to pry from my cold dead hands, Mary Kay black cake eyeliner. They no longer make it. It takes practice to use. But you can get everything from a faint charcoal line to full on burlesque queen action depending on how much water you use and once it dries it goes NOWHERE until you want it to.
Oh, and in case you're wondering, yes I AM holding on to that shade of peacock blue until acid wash jeans come back.

Look at them. All neatly arranged like a symphony. On the left we have the basecoats and topcoats and sedate, tasteful, job interview-appropriate, do-your-grandma's-nails colors. In the middle back, the slightly bolder, arguably seasonal, but still normal colors. But on the right...well, let's take a closer look.
Let's see. We have black, yellow, orange, two shades of blue, two shades of green, and two shades of purple that, worn shimmer over flat, make my fingers look like they were dipped in awesome sauce. I call this my 'F-em if they can't take a joke' collection.

Oh, and the little bottles in the front? Embellishment. So I can do stuff like this. Tonight is Homecoming at our local high school. I have to go standby on the ambulance, so in addition to my Hornet's green ambulance sweatshirt, I'll be rocking these:

Its hard to focus on your own hand, particularly one as dainty as mine, but my middle finger is painted like a cheerleader sweater. (Do cheerleaders still wear sweaters?)
There's sparkles, y'all.


Anonymous said...

Love it!! Is that a steamer trunk you unpacked to write this?? Aunt Carol

Always Home and Uncool said...

Wow. It's good to be a guy.

JD at I Do Things said...

The colors! So beautiful! I own one mascara, one lipstick, one foundation thingie, and one eyebrow pencil. But I think I would love to have a collection like this just to take out and look at and run my hands over.

Lately, tho, I've been doing my nails. Nothing fancy like cheerleader sweaters, but I love the sparkly kind. If anyone finds a cool metallic-copper, please let me know.

Shieldmaiden96 said...

JD: Check the Milani line at CVS. (Its usually on a back endcap near the wall of makeup.) I think they have a nice metallic copper that you'd like. Bath and Body works used to have one but I think they did away with that polish they used to carry and it stayed chip free for about five minutes.

Lin said...

I still like Bareminerals, but I have noticed I have to go back over the wrinkles too. Sigh. LOVE their eyeshadows. And if you add just a bit of water, the color is intensified like a cabillion times. It is great for effect.

I am officially jealous of your makeup luggage and those snappy team spirit nails you got goin' on!

Shieldmaiden96 said...

I picked up a tip from You know how Smashbox makes this studio finish stuff you put on under your makeup, and its a bazillion dollars for a tiny bottle?
Enter Monistat Anti-Chafe Powder Gel.
Its $8. And its the same darned thing. You csn get it at any drugstore...its usually hidden in the 'stuff for your ladyparts' aisle, even though its not for your ladyparts.

Shieldmaiden96 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Celestial Charms said...

Oh my, girl your make-up trunk looks like my craft closet...and that is a compliment!

KJ Callaway said...

If you saw my nail polish collection you would call me a hoarder. But my friends are SO MUCH WORSE!


Shieldmaiden96 said...

The way I see it, if you use them, its not hoarding! I change my color at least twice a week, and if I find I have dupes I give away colors to a very lovely 12 year old who occasionally lets me do her nails, so my collection is somewhat fluid and always in rotation.