Four Songs that Make Me Despise Country Music with the While Hot Intensity of 10,000 Suns

I live in a small town. I think that's been established. We have one of each kind of station, for the most part; one local country station, one Clear Channel classic rock monolith, one collegy-local station whose playlist reflects quirkiness or laziness with equal frequency, NPR if you are facing a certain direction at the top of the hill on a clear day, and one top 40 station that reaches us from somewhere in New York.

The country station is the only one that comes in with clarity on a regular basis to my office. So I get anywhere from 20-35 hours of involuntary listening a week depending on my schedule.

I should say that I have a particular problem when it comes to music. I can't shut it out. I can't ignore it. I hear it. I analyze it compulsively. I'm sensitive to repetition, trite lyrics, and illogic. (To wit: "Its only half past twelve, but its five o'clock somewhere." Well, no, sweetie, its 5:30 somewhere. Its never 12:30 in one time zone and 5pm in another simultaneously. Also "Carved my name in to his leather seeeeeeats..." Well, why? So he knows who to implicate in the police report? Stalking and vandalism in excess of $500....is he worth the charge? Carve something else in his leather seats, idiot.)

This station doesn't exactly have an endless budget or bottomless playlist, so you can count on the top 40 of the Billboard country (really, the top 20 or so) to be in heavy, heavy, heavy rotation. These are the ones that inspire the most intense urge to self-medicate.


1. Steve Holy, "Brand New Girlfriend"


Song starts out kind of promising, then slides into catastrophic silliness. How desperate was he for a recording career that he'd be happy to sing these lyrics? They should be used in CIA PsyOps in some hot and sandy place. I can see Osama throwing himself on the sand and yelling "for the love of Allah, make it stop".

Playin' kissy-kissy, smoochy-smoochy,Talkin' mooshy-mooshy 'bout nothin'

2. Miranda Lambert, "Famous in a Small Town"

Jessica Lange portrayed Patsy Cline in a great film called 'Sweet Dreams'. There is a scene where she is ironing and listening to another country singer and she says to herself , "You don't sing, b---h, ya whine". 'Nuff said. The song was cute the first five times. Now I want to duct tape Miss Miranda to a pole.

3. Jason Allden "Amarillo Sky"

Some days this runs through my head for hours like a mantra: "He just takes the tractor another round, another round, another round, another round...." A farming accident is called for here. Make. the. tractor.stop.

4. Tim McGraw "Last Dollar (Fly Away)"

I don't think words can express how much I hate this dippy, trite song. Its especially enhanced by the final refrain being repeated about 10 times more than necessary by a bunch of increasingly tuneless children. And I have to call him out for an extra dose of hate for use of the term "footloose and fancy free".

1-2-3 Like a bird I sing

Cause yo've given me the most beautiful set of wings

I'm so glad you're here today

Cause tomorrow I might have to go and fly away

Fly away, fly away

[Verse 2:]There's nothing that's worth keeping me

From places I should goFrom happyville to lovingland

I'm gonna tour from coast to coast

I'm leaving everything behind

There's not much that I need

Cause If I ain't got nothing

I'm footloose and fancy free

(There's more, but you get the idea)

I'm here four more hours, which is pretty much a guarantee I'll hear every one of these songs. Again.