Tuesday, March 25, 2008

(insert profanity here)

Google search is a fantastic thing. I was seeking something that would, in one picture, express my near head-bursting hostility at coming out this morning in 17-degree weather, scraping my windshield, then having to pull over in front of a group of amused schoolkids waiting for the bus to scrape it again, because the befrigged defroster works only slightly better than blowing on the window through a coffee stirrer and I couldn't see.

Its March, people. The twenty-fifth of March.

Mothers of those kids: Sorry. I don't think I used any words they don't hear on the bus.

My anger seemed completely rational for approximately four miles. Then I became reflective. Wow, I thought. I really lost my S--t there. Weird. I tried to breathe and calm myself, but still had an irrational urge to shatter a windshield with a tire iron. I could hear the crunch muffled by the safety coating; could picture the glass crumbling into brightly sparkling bluish piles as I pounded it over and over. I found this image oddly comforting and savored it all the way to work.

MSNBC should be glad they don't have a comments feature on their articles. Because the "Global Warming is Making Spring Come Earlier" article would have been ranted upon; all my vocabularic vitriol (yes, its right. Shut up.) would have been poured on their alarmist nonsense. Come on up to Tioga County and see what's early, bitches. Bring a sweater.

Nothing is safe today. I'm a hate-seeking missile. What is up with this song that says "It starts in my toes, something about my nose, blah blah blah"? Does she have neuropathy? There is medication for that. Shut up, toes and nose girl. And while we are at it, why are they playing this song on the local country station? Isn't there a world of annoying country songs to choose from? How about the one where the man describes his wife as "Straaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwnnnnngh?" I haven't heard it in at least an hour.

Here's my Two Minutes' Hate list for Tuesday, March freaking twenty-fifth.

  1. Wintry mix-- this is NOAA shorthand for "We don't know what the hell its going to do, we've been flipping a coin pretty much all season, so we'll just say you'll get everything and then you can't complain.

  2. Lake effect-- I don't care what makes it snow. I really don't. Lake effect is blamed on everything from accumulation totals to Idiot Spitzer 'not keeping his dog in the yard'. And while we're at it.....

  3. Anything else Governor Patterson did. Enough said.

  4. American Idol-- If irrelevance had a color and a shape, a sound and a flavor, this would be it.

  5. Business telemarketing-- Really. Stop calling. Especially not today unless you enjoy feeling like a piece of meat that just got thrown into a cage because that is the sort of mood I'm in today.

  6. Whoever left a whiz-squirt of coffee in the pot and didn't make more.

  7. Country Music-- "Because of you, I'd run over you on the si-i-dewalk...." Whatever. Please get over it. And Reba? Do we need to do the math on how long you'd have to be dealing with your mommy issues if this was your song? Does it make sense for you to sing it? No it does not. Maybe you should cover some Staind as well.

  8. People who write everything like a txt msg- OMG. U sd lk a fkg idiot. Srsly.

Just to balance it out, here's my raindrops on mittens and strudel with kittens list. No, it isn't in any particular order. Cause I don't feel like it, that's why.

  1. Flannel sheets

  2. Target practice

  3. Hot soup

  4. Men in kilts

  5. Cat snuggling (No, not cat smuggling)

  6. Real cocoa

  7. Robert Plant circa 1973

  8. Fun purses
And because I can't leave you without something to look at, here. (This is for you, JD.)


Tricia said...

Go home and snuggle with that kitty! But I do agree, it was 19 degrees here this morning and I was pretty angry about it. Thankfully I park in my garage = no frost to scrape.

Anonymous said...

Personally I like the idea of cat smuggling. Very funny thought. Equally funny -- you smashing in a windshield.

Also funny, you telling a certain person to shut up and that your English was right.

Again funny...you using your "txt msg'n" to tell people to "KUA".

Is that a real txt message acronym? No idea. Nor do I Care.
-- Jonny's Mommy

Beware: Social Worker on the edge said...

We could be very good friends. Porbably not emotionally healthy for anyone involved, but very good friends.

I frequently have these days and can appreciate all that you have written here for us.


Jonah K. Haslap said...

Please, you call that anger? That's the emotional equivalent of Christmas morning in my house.

I can make anything into a competition. Even psychopathy.

Nice post.

VE said...

The Beuareau of Random Rearrangements has reordered your list. Your bill should arrive in about a week…

1. Hot Flannel soup
2. Circa 1973 purses
3. Real men with cocoa
4. Robert Plant snuggling
5. Fun practice in sheets
6. Cat kilts

Shieldmaiden96 said...

Tricia: Kitty helped. Tomorrow-- five appointments, starting in Ithaca, ending in Binghamton, and we're due for 3-5 inches. And not in a good way. Here we go again!!

Sis: Yeah, you knew who that was for, eh?

Kate: I dunno, is a rage shared a rage halved? Or would we just hit the Cuervo? Sounds like a win-win.

Jonah: You do Christmas? ;o)

VE: Your list is even more therapeutic than mine. I think I might just start sewing kilts for my cat since my husband refuses to wear one.

Jeff said...

I love it! This post ran the gamut of blog-emotions. I laughed, I cried, and I loved the movie clip.

Jocelyn said...

I'm left wondering what I can do to keep you angry all the time.

Cuz you'se high-lar-I-ous that way.

Maybe I can keep typing it "high-lar-I-ous," and that'll stand you in a permanent rage.

Then I can read more of this.

(I'm not commenting more specifically on your content as I *ducking* LOVE winter)

the frogster said...

Sleigh bells ring, are you listening,
In the lane, snow is glistening.
A beautiful sight,
We're happy tonight.
Walking in a winter wonderland.

Where's your holiday spirit, Shieldmaiden? Easter is, after all, a holiday.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Get XM Satellite Radio.

Then you can hear that Bubbly song playing on at least 10 stations. Sometimes, all at the very same time.

Natasha Bedingfield's song Unwritten irritates me the most. I keep wanting her to shut up and clean the dirty windows, already.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

We live in Houston.

We're running the A/C already due to extreme humidity.

We will be broke courtesy of our electric bill before summer even officially starts.

Shieldmaiden96 said...

Jocelyn: I gladly suffer for thee. Though its sllooooowly turning around here, finally. But its supposed to snow tonight, again.

Frogster: It needs to get above 50 soon or I'll be celebrating Xanax Day, and that will be a holiday every damn day.

EWL: Ah, Houston. The place where I learned how heat can make you die.

I mean, actually die.

Julia said...

Oh, so freaking funny. Is it wrong to take such joy in another person's rage? Seriously, I feel your wintry pain, even tho it's not been quite that bad here.

JACK BLACK! Spastic dreidle! How I love thee!

(thank you)

JD at I Do Things

Julia said...

And how do I get in on the Robert Plant snuggling?

JD at I Do Things