(insert profanity here)

Google search is a fantastic thing. I was seeking something that would, in one picture, express my near head-bursting hostility at coming out this morning in 17-degree weather, scraping my windshield, then having to pull over in front of a group of amused schoolkids waiting for the bus to scrape it again, because the befrigged defroster works only slightly better than blowing on the window through a coffee stirrer and I couldn't see.



Its March, people. The twenty-fifth of March.



Mothers of those kids: Sorry. I don't think I used any words they don't hear on the bus.



My anger seemed completely rational for approximately four miles. Then I became reflective. Wow, I thought. I really lost my S--t there. Weird. I tried to breathe and calm myself, but still had an irrational urge to shatter a windshield with a tire iron. I could hear the crunch muffled by the safety coating; could picture the glass crumbling into brightly sparkling bluish piles as I pounded it over and over. I found this image oddly comforting and savored it all the way to work.



MSNBC should be glad they don't have a comments feature on their articles. Because the "Global Warming is Making Spring Come Earlier" article would have been ranted upon; all my vocabularic vitriol (yes, its right. Shut up.) would have been poured on their alarmist nonsense. Come on up to Tioga County and see what's early, bitches. Bring a sweater.



Nothing is safe today. I'm a hate-seeking missile. What is up with this song that says "It starts in my toes, something about my nose, blah blah blah"? Does she have neuropathy? There is medication for that. Shut up, toes and nose girl. And while we are at it, why are they playing this song on the local country station? Isn't there a world of annoying country songs to choose from? How about the one where the man describes his wife as "Straaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwnnnnngh?" I haven't heard it in at least an hour.



Here's my Two Minutes' Hate list for Tuesday, March freaking twenty-fifth.

1. Wintry mix-- this is NOAA shorthand for "We don't know what the hell its going to do, we've been flipping a coin pretty much all season, so we'll just say you'll get everything and then you can't complain.



2. Lake effect-- I don't care what makes it snow. I really don't. Lake effect is blamed on everything from accumulation totals to Idiot Spitzer 'not keeping his dog in the yard'. And while we're at it.....



3. Anything else Governor Patterson did. Enough said.



4. American Idol-- If irrelevance had a color and a shape, a sound and a flavor, this would be it.



5. Business telemarketing-- Really. Stop calling. Especially not today unless you enjoy feeling like a piece of meat that just got thrown into a cage because that is the sort of mood I'm in today.



6. Whoever left a whiz-squirt of coffee in the pot and didn't make more.



7. Country Music-- "Because of you, I'd run over you on the si-i-dewalk...." Whatever. Please get over it. And Reba? Do we need to do the math on how long you'd have to be dealing with your mommy issues if this was your song? Does it make sense for you to sing it? No it does not. Maybe you should cover some Staind as well.


8. People who write everything like a txt msg- OMG. U sd lk a fkg idiot. Srsly.

Just to balance it out, here's my raindrops on mittens and strudel with kittens list. No, it isn't in any particular order. Cause I don't feel like it, that's why.

1. Flannel sheets


2. Target practice


3. Hot soup


4. Men in kilts


5. Cat snuggling (No, not cat smuggling)


6. Real cocoa


7. Robert Plant circa 1973


8. Fun purses

And because I can't leave you without something to look at, here. (This is for you, JD.)