Thirty More Days

We're in the homestretch of this four month dual encampment and very soon Bry and I will be under (and paying for) one roof.

It hasn't been an easy week.

I kept busy, but I couldn't seem to stave off this black cloud that followed me everywhere. I was feeling detained. I was talking myself into getting up every morning. When I tried to explain it to people they'd make a wittle squinchy-winchy face and say, "Awww, do you miss him?". And I thought to myself, "You'd look awfully funny with a pen in your eye," but of course I kept this to myself. My home, my town, my familiar things all seem to mock me because its not home at all, because he isn't here. Its like a bad dream.

Then, of course, I start feeling guilty for feeling bad. Look at all those people down south who lost their lives, lost their homes. Or the people in Iraq who are separated 18 months or more whose husbands or wives may not come home at all. I'm just having trouble with four months? Come on. What a wuss.

At the same time I look at the friends I have who are beginning to confront the reality of my departure and they are beginning to express how sad they are. "You're breaking our hearts, you know," one says on Monday. So I'm trying to enjoy the time I have left with them and not be distracted by the difficulty of the separation. I don't know, as a friend was fond of saying, whether to s**t or go sailing.

And in the midst of this, I'm supposed to be studying for a state licensing exam. Oh. Okay. Needless to say I keep carrying the books around, but tomorrow morning I'm probably going to postpone the test. I need a couple more weeks to study.

So that ends my litany of complaints. On to the good stuff; spent an overnight with some college friends I hadn't seen in years and it was great. Great to see them, to see how well they are doing, and to remember what fun people they are. One is expecting in the winter and I didn't realize how interesting and cool her husband was because I only met him once. The other has two children that are the kind of kids that make you want to have kids. (As opposed to the screeching irklings across the street from me who are poster children for some sort of contraception. ) I suspect its a parenting thing. We laughed at pictures and struggled to remember names and realized how long its been since college. Apparently I had a mullet for much longer than I care to admit. (Or remember.)

I packed a bunch of boxes tonight, mostly books because that's the size I brought home. I'm starting to suspect that the books are spontaneously reproducing in my apartment. Slowly, the ratio of loose items to boxes is beginning to shift. I stopped packing for the night when I was tired of sneezing. Apparently I've been a wee bit lax in the dusting department.

So that's the news, not as much fun as earlier posts but hopefully a better week is coming. I've had this song in my head all day:

Looking through some photographs I found inside a drawer
I was taken by a photograph of you
There were one or two I know that you would have liked a little more
But they didn't show your spirit quite as true
You were turning 'round to see who was behind you
And I took your childish laughter by surprise
And at the moment that my camera happened to find you
There was just a trace of sorrow in your eyes

Now the things that I remember seem so distant and so small
Though it hasn't really been that long a time
What I was seeing wasn't what was happening at all
Although for a while, our path did seem to climb
But when you see through love's illusions, there lies the danger
And your perfect lover just looks like a perfect fool
So you go running off in search of a perfect stranger
While the loneliness seems to spring from your life
Like a fountain from a pool

Fountain of sorrow, fountain of light
You've known that hollow sound of your own steps in flight
You've had to hide sometimes, but now you're all right
And it's good to see your smiling face tonight

Now for you and me it may not be that hard to reach our dreams
But that magic feeling never seems to last
And while the future's there for anyone to change, still you know it's seems
It would be easier sometimes to change the past
I'm just one or two years and a couple of changes behind you
In my lessons at love's pain and heartache school
Where if you feel too free and you need something to remind you
There's this loneliness springing up from your life
Like a fountain from a pool

Fountain of sorrow, fountain of light
You've known that hollow sound of your own steps in flight
You've had to hide sometimes but now you're all right
And it's good to see your smiling face tonight

Fountain of sorrow, fountain of light
You've known that hollow sound of your own steps in flight
You've had to struggle, you've had to fight
To keep understanding and compassion in sight
You could be laughing at me, you've got the right
But you go on smiling so clear and so bright