I'm not sure why this always happens.
I relish the ideal moment to write, and then sit at this computer staring at the blinking cursor. "What was I going to say again?" My mind patters off giggling, leaving me with vague ideas of topic and snatches of lyrics to 80's pop songs.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table in an empty house. It is a beautiful day, unseasonably mild, making sitting in the furthest spot from the air conditioner (which is not on, because it doesn't need to be on) possible. The goodness of the weather makes even being inside an almost obscene waste.
So of course I'm sitting at my kitchen table thinking about artificial sweeteners.
I'm sorry, non-nutritive sweeteners. Artificial sounds so...artificial. It invokes the bright pink packets of Sweet and Low that used to blare cancer warnings, and the pencil thin, chain smoking, over-tanned women of my youth that would sit by the community pool clutching Jackie Collins novels and returnable bottles of Tab.
One of the 'rules' of the Whole30, which is happening in just a week, is chucking all artificial sweeteners for the duration of the month. The idea is to reconnect with the taste of real food, not food that is overstimulating and nutritionally bereft or chemicals 600 times sweeter than naturally occurring sugar.
And this has been a tough one for me. See, I was always a sugar addict. Not a sugar user, not a sugar fan, a sugar addict, with all the skin crawly obsession, selfish hoarding, theft, deception, and other nonsense you'd normally associate with addictions that can get you arrested. It took me 42 years to realize that this particularly delightful component of my personality could not be bargained, rationed, Points valued,or negotiated with. I was surprised how much emotion came along with this realization. Fear. Panic. Grief. Sadness. I was like the character in 'As Good as it Gets' breaking down after his involuntary pet sitting that he unexpectedly enjoys comes to an end, and he laughs bitterly, saying to himself "Over a DOG." Only it was sadder. Because I was thinking about brownies and cinnamon buns.
Giving up sugar, I figured I was free. Because there were things I could use without consequences instead. I started to feel better. Good things started to happen.
There was, and is, only one problem.
I am still 'using'. I spent an inordinate amount of time, and not a small amount of money, trying to determine the exact right combination of sweeteners that would satisfy me. I wasn't looking for a certain balance of flavor, or a stability in a recipe, I was looking for something that would flip that cool, happy light on just like my old friend sugar.
And that, my good gentles, is STILL addiction.
It is what Dallas and Melissa Hartwig, the authors of 'It Starts With Food' and the people behind the Whole30 call SWYPO-- Sex With Your Pants On. Getting off without technically 'breaking rules'. And I'll be honest. I don't make this statement with peace and smug satisfaction. The realization, bluntly, pisses me off. I'm pissed off because of the way my brain works. I'm pissed off that finding a way to keep it quiet by essentially engaging in the same behavior isn't acceptable, and I'm pissed off that I KNOW it isn't acceptable, because it means I have to do something about it. Not just for thirty days, but permanently.
Sigh.
Now, my low carb friends will be quick to point out facts (and they are facts) about the dangers of some of the things in that picture and the relatively benign nature of others. They will argue that there are some things that can be peacefully accepted as part of a reasonable way of eating and for themselves they will be 100% correct. For me, they will be wrong. I wish they weren't.
Or maybe I don't. Powerlessness is pretty fertile ground for gratitude.
And victory.
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9 comments:
Nice word-age! While we are a society with a major sugar addiction, sugar cravings may also indicate adrenal fatigue. The adrenal gland and all of the endocrine system work together; if one part is out of whack they whole gang is. Keeping hormonal balance can feel like an impossibility. Them's my thoughts.
I agree, this has been the experience of many of my low carb friends. I don't worry about that as much for myself, only because this is not an adult-onset condition, but something I've had my entire life. The good news is that all my nutrition and supplementation is bent toward adrenal health and balance.
I think it takes some time to wean off the sugar and sweeteners, so be kind to yourself. I think your taste buds need to adjust to drinking water instead of colas or other sweetened drinks and eating foods that aren't artificially sweetened. Give it some time, maybe ween a little at a time. Soon you will learn to like foods without all the added flavors.
It takes time though.
I actually ditched sugar last fall and never drink soda of any kind. My tough spot will be coffee, but it'll be okay. That's what this month is for.
I feel this pain. As much as I can veer wildly between junk eating and much, much "clean" eating, I always find myself making room for the artificial sweetener, even though I have reservations about them. A few months back, when I was exploring baking with natural sweeteners, I think I may have asked some questions about how one bakes without, say, Xylitol.
So if the answers to my questions were agave, maple syrup, stevia...maybe it's time to put those in the coffee?
I'm not a fan of agave because it is almost entirely fructose and very high on the glycemic index. It kinda bugs me that it gets put out there as a "healthy sugar" when it really is not. I guess if I do end up using anything when this reset is over, it'll be stevia because that doesn't seem to feed the sugar dragon in the same way that the other things do. I like xylitol, a little too much. And too much of it is not a good thing for me because it causes a little bit of stomach.... Distress.
Good luck to you! I am sure you can do it, you got off wheat all together which is amazing to me and awe inspiring. :)
"It invokes the bright pink packets of Sweet and Low that used to blare cancer warnings, and the pencil thin, chain smoking, over-tanned women of my youth that would sit by the community pool clutching Jackie Collins novels and returnable bottles of Tab."
Holy crap - you just described my mother's mother and my grandmother, Manga.
"And I'll be honest. I don't make this statement with peace and smug satisfaction. The realization, bluntly, pisses me off. I'm pissed off because of the way my brain works. I'm pissed off that finding a way to keep it quiet by essentially engaging in the same behavior isn't acceptable, and I'm pissed off that I KNOW it isn't acceptable, because it means I have to do something about it. Not just for thirty days, but permanently.
Sigh."
So - wait -- this means you have to give up ALL sweeteners too? Oy vey. Well, I have NO doubt that you WILL be able to do it. And you're going to feel awesome because of it!
The guidelines of the Whole30 say no sweetener, real or artificial, so at least in the short term, yes. I have decided not to reintroduce the chemical sweeteners like Splenda. Whether I keep the stevia depends on whether I can use it like a normal person or if I just end up cooking meth with different cold medicine. Ideally I'd like to be shut of all of it.
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