Monday, March 29, 2010

Fecal Matters

....or, why I should tell that Little Susie Sunshine volunteer in my head to shut the hell up once in a while.

It started innocently enough. Himself forwarded me an email from the Director of Religious Education at our church.

"Our confirmation luncheon is coming up next Saturday...and we need your help!" What followed was a laundry list of food items and dessert requests. What the heck, I thought, I can bang out a batch of cookies. I thought of the cookie press, usually hauled out for Christmas only. I seemed to remember that there was a butterfly disc in the kit. I imagined myself baking a batch of brightly colored, spring celebratin', Easter-y Resurrection-y cookies. Wouldn't that be just swell. I answered the email and put myself down for what would, no doubt, be a triumph of religious-themed bakery.

I knew there was a grid on the back of the food coloring box that indicated how many drops made all sorts of fancy colors. Aztec Blue! Peach! Ooooh! PURPLE! Yes, I thought, purple butterflies are just the thing. I mixed up the batter and dutifully counted drops.

I mixed.

And mixed.

And mixed. And then figured, what the heck, its a big batch of batter. So I carefully added the proportions again.

I need to pause and mention here that I satisfied my one obligatory art credit in college with basketweaving. My basketry was heavily subsidized with surreptitious application of hot glue. I never had to grapple with the subtleties of color-mixing. Otherwise I might have suspected that blue and red food coloring in cookie dough that is already pretty yellow from the addition of THREE STICKS OF BUTTER makes this:

Mmmm. Tasty.
The dough was starting to get a little loose. This did not contribute in any kind of positive way to the overall appeal. (Anyone who has a cookie press knows this is why you spend the better part of this particular phase of Christmas cookie preparation engaging equal parts Arbor Mist consumption and profanity that would make the most jaded teenagers blush.)

But I was tired. I figured my opinion on the matter was tainted. So I asked Himself. He came into the kitchen and said, "Oh my God, you can't send those to church. They look like poop." He was not using a scatological term to suggest that they were 'not up to snuff' or 'looked somewhat untidy'. He MEANT it.

"Nonsense, I replied, they'll be okay once I bake them."

Nope, even baked they held on to a shade somewhere between taupe and proctology sample. At best they looked as though they were lovingly fashioned out of liverwurst. I especially like how the unincorporated blue food coloring makes some of them appear as though they have veins AND poor circulation. Now there's something you want crumbling into your tea.

APPARENTLY the color chart on the back of the box is for EASTER EGG DYING. Who knew. So the cookies went in a big ziplock bag, which sits in our kitchen. I suggested to Himself that he can eat them in the dark, where in the glow of the television they don't look quite so meaty and menacing.

Happy Easter!


Jaffer said...

Hahaha - so now, I'm afraid he'll be eating poop in the dark - crunchy and sugary - mmm...

The colour doesn't look too bad - I mean I just compared these with those in the toilet bowl and I can definitely say they re off colour.

Kristen said...

I didn't think they looked too bad! I'll remember this post, though, in case I ever drag out my dusty, never-been-used, antique cookie press. :)

Shieldmaiden96 said...

Jaffer-- Since the level in the bag keeps going down I suspect he's overcome his distaste for the color. :)

Kristen-- If you do let me know. I can provide you with tips. Many useful tips.

Lisa @ Boondock Ramblings said...

That's not as bad as I thought at all....shew..I was really picturing something horrid when Himself told me about it.

JD at I Do Things said...

"a shade somewhere between taupe and proctology sample"


Actually, I thought the baked versions looked OK. That uneasy blend of blue and purple reminded me of the eye shadow I wore in 8th grade.

I bet they tasted DEE-licious!

Maxie said...

Hmmm... add icing? See this is why when people ask me to bring things for work luncheons I always sign up for the paper plates.

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

Oh noes! Did you run out to Costco for the cookies? Did you bust out the girl scout cookies and try to pass them off as your own?

Shieldmaiden96 said...

Actually, I just bagged it, assuming (and rightly so, as it turns out) that they'd have PLENTY of other contributions. But next time I think I'll just buy some purple sanding sugar and keep the cookies themselves au naturale.

Lin said...

I would have slapped some frosting on those bad boys and served 'em. :)

Candice said...

One word for ya.


Anonymous said...

That was funny! What did you send to church??

Shieldmaiden96 said...

I'm ashamed to admit, I just let it ride in hopes that the other fine people who signed up to bring stuff would cover the deficit.